I Learned My Attachment Style From a Narcissist

It Changed the Way I See Relationships, Patterns, and Myself

A year ago, I didn’t have the language for what I was experiencing—I just knew something wasn’t right. It wasn’t just one situation. It was a pattern I couldn’t explain, but I kept finding myself in it.

Around that time, I was in a romantic interaction with a man I genuinely believed was everything I had been looking for. He felt exceptional—confident, intelligent, well-spoken, and able to hold conversations that made me feel both seen and mentally engaged. There was a level of depth that drew me in quickly.

Still, something beneath the surface didn’t feel steady.

There was an emotional inconsistency I couldn’t quite name at the time. Moments of connection would be followed by confusion, and I often found myself overthinking or trying to figure out where I stood. That dynamic continued for about a year, and eventually I began to recognize patterns that pointed to strong narcissistic tendencies.

During that time, he mentioned something called attachment theory. I remember taking note of it, but not giving it much attention. My focus was elsewhere—I was building a business, writing, and publishing. There wasn’t space to pause and explore it more deeply.

That changed recently, when I found myself in another romantic interaction—this one much shorter, about a month and a half before I chose to end it. At first, it felt different. He was emotionally expressive, open about his thoughts, and at times very present and romantic. It felt refreshing in a way I hadn’t experienced before.

At the same time, there was a shift I couldn’t ignore.

He would become distant without much explanation, pulling inward and creating space where there had just been connection. The contrast between his openness and his withdrawal left me trying to make sense of something that didn’t fully add up.

One night, I sat with that feeling and replayed a recent interaction, this time paying closer attention to what I was experiencing instead of brushing past it.

That was when the thought returned:

Attachment theory.

Instead of setting it aside, I decided to look into it. I started learning what it is, where it comes from, and how it shows up in relationships. As I went deeper, the patterns began to make sense in a way they hadn’t before—not only in the people I was getting to know, but in my own responses, choices, and emotional patterns.

This blog is where that understanding begins.